most of you may not know this: i'm not actually an only child. i don't talk about it often, and most people don't know. i have an older brother. and every time i go back to san jose, i'll visit his grave. i never actually met my older brother-he was thirteen when he passed away from lukemia. i wasn't born till a couple years after that-thats why my parents are so much older than i am-there's a giant generation gap. now i'm not saying this to make you feel sorry for me-that's the last thing i want. but when i say i'm jealous of people who have siblings, i really am. of course its nice to not have people fight over the computer or steal your food, but it sucks because when you're home alone, because its really lonely. i'm only mentioning the fact that i have brother because i feel as if despite the fact that my brother is no longer here, that i've been fortunate enough to find a family of brothers and sisters in my friends. i've been lucky that when i moved from taiwan to walnut that i found people that are really like family to me-i love them to death. and i'm even more lucky that when i went to ucsd, i found family that i love to death. it's like my brother made sure that i wouldn't be alone, that someone would always have my back and watch out for me. & for that, i thank them. you guys know who you are.

lately, i haven't been in the best of moods. i guess you can say i hit an emotional rock bottom. but as joan said, "if you've hit rock bottom, then you know it can only better, neh?" and then it sorta hit me, no matter what happens, it can only get better. i guess i've been so emotionally strained out lately that i've sorta developed a case of "fuck-its." its not that i don't want to care-it's that i don't want to give up my happiness because i'm so worried about other people. i mean, it sounds selfish, but if i want to care for other people, i need to take care of myself. i guess it also has to do with the fact that i've gotten little sleep, got sick (and in process of recovering) and there's just been so much going on. when i woke up this morning, i was just like "i just don't really care anymore. whatever happens, happens." i've learned that my happiness is not worth sacrificing.

thomas took me to the cliffs the other day. it's so refreshing there. it's so calm and peaceful. and the wind there was spectacular. i took clarice the other day-there was really nice wind, the sun was out, and the view was just gorgous. next time any of you guys come down to san diego i'm going to take you there. it's humbling, to sit there. away from all the stress and pressure that you feel at school. to see your self as small compared to the rest of the world, it also reminds you that your problems really aren't as big or as complicated as you think they are. they'll eventually go away, and it'll all be good. i guess that'll be come my happy place from now on. one of these days i want to just get a mat, and flop out there and relax. oh, and its fun to throw rocks off the cliff. :)

whatever happens, i'll pull out of it with a smile.
it sounds cliche, but "you should always have a smile on your face, because you never know who might fall in love with it."
it'll take more than a couple hours, more than a day, but i'll bounce back.
hell, i've already started.
and i won't hold back the smile.