getting hurt. it makes you so much stronger. you vow that you're never going to get dragged down into another situation like that. you vow that you'll never let anyone break your heart. you harden your inside so that no matter what happens, you will be okay. you become stone hard on the outside. when things just don't go the right way, you don't show any emotion. people always say, oh you're so strong, i wish i could be like you. and yet, all you do is smile and shatter into pieces on the inside. the more times it happens, the more your guard goes up, the more doubtful you become, and the harder it is for you to open up. you're not willing to take chances because you don't want to break into millions of pieces over some person. i hate you for making me like this.

衝啥大　衝啥小　衝啥都有人唱反調
恨得多　愛得少　只想越跳越瘋
越跳越高　把地球甩掉

一顆心撲通撲通的狂跳
一瞬間煩惱煩惱煩惱全忘掉
我再也不要〔想〕再也不要
委屈自己一秒

一顆心撲通撲通的狂跳
一瞬間煩惱煩惱煩惱全忘掉
我甩掉地球地球甩掉　只要越跳越高

the feeling i have right now is that i'm like too little butter spread over too much bread. i wish there were come way to make carbon copies of myself so that i could be everywhere at every waking moment. may is a very stressful month. starting may 5th are ap testing. not to mention that some genius person decided it was a wonderful, AMAZING, ABSOLUTELY GENIUS idea to put prom before ap testing. i can only hope that you realize that most of the student population in walnut is probably pulling white hair because they somehow have to get everything that must be done for prom done. but anyhow between now and may 5th there are 15 days. i say may 5th because this is where i actually have to start testing. chyeah, i know. prom->a day of work->ap testing. horrible. anyways. so there are 15 days. of those 15 days, i am gone for state for 4 days. that leaves 11 lovely days. of those 11 days, 1 of them is prom and i know for a fact that there is NO WAY IN HELL i will study in a limo or in a car because i have ap testing. i just can't do it. this leaves about 10 days to study. 10 days = 240 hours. now. assuming that i am at school 8 hours a day. there are 7.5 days of school till ap testing. 240-75 = 165 hours left. now, assuming that i sleep at least 6 hours a day (believe it or not, i do sleep more) . 165-(10 days x 6) = 105 hours. of these 105 hours., i'm at work like. 20 hours a week. so approximately 30 hours are taken off of my study time. leaving me 75 hours, which pretty much becomes 3 days. i dont know about you but my ap gov book has been sitting on my desk, open for the last 3 weeks. and i'm still. NOWHERE. talk about the ultimate destruction of my ap grade. fuckkk.

edit/ 11:25pm.
did mention that i need to find myself a prom dress/get nails done? so much for time to study. -_-
& that sometime between now and state i need to start/finish studying for my competition?
T_T;

how do you pick up the pieces, when in your heart, you begin to realize; there is no going back. there are some hurts that go too deep, some wounds that cannot be healed. you begin to understand, that no one will ever understand. they will walk blind, deaf, ignorant to all that happens right in front of them. they see you cry, & assume that you need a hug, when all you really need is to be alone. they will see you smile, and think "Good, you're happy," when on the inside you're hurting, crying, you are dead.
will they ever know the real you died years ago? will they ever realize your smile is not sincere? you wish they would understand, wish they could know what you are going through, while at the same time, you wish they never have to expiernce this kinda of pain. you are confused, angry, depressed & you don't nkow why. you don't seewhy this has to happen to you, why it can't it happen to someone rude, obnoxious, someone who takes everything for granted.
you start to realize that you don't care anymore. your friends, family, they don't matter. nothing matters becasue it all seems so dull, so lifelss, or too cheery, too inviting for you to fit in. you are trapped. by the walls of your own mind, you are trapped. you begin to lose slee, you stop eating, or eat too much. you lose track of what day it is. but it doesn't matter anymore. too fat or too skinny, and suffering from insomnia. it doesn't matter anymore.
the pain grows too much. you want to talk about it, get everything off your chest, but are too afraid of what might happen if they know your secrets. you get restless. your mind is racing. thinking of things passed, and things that may come. you begin to fear the future. this is followed by another, more chilling though: what future? you tell yourself, you have nothing, you will always be nothing. your dreams, your goals, there will never happen. you will never be as good as you want to be, or as good as others expect you to be. you start thinking there is nothing for you in the future. you ask yourself: whats the ponit? you find osmething shart & begin cutting yourself open. you slowly watch the crimson ribbons flow. a thought plays in your head: this is beautiful. again & again you slice yourself open & watch the blood ooze from the wounds. moments later you feel the pain, the stinging. and yet, as much as this hurts, the mental pain seems dim. new found relief.
yet again you fake a smile, pretend to be happy. but when the pain gets too much, you cut yourself again. you watch yourself bleed, thinking yet again, about the beauty of this pain. and so you go on, as if nothing is wrong, as if you've never felt alone, as if you're never felt scared. your temporary relief, relieves no longer. your friends notice the scares, question you all about it, call you an attention seeker. you wonder if they care at all. if they do care, why are they being so horrible? maybe its one of those, 'cruel to be kind' moments? but considering your situation, you go with your first thought: they don't care about me. this is entirely false. your friends care, very much. they are just so shocked, so disappointed, that, instead of talking to them about your problems, you decide to mutilate yourself.
you are now more stressed, more depressed, more angry. all you can think about is ending the pain. how can you do that? suicide seems a good way. if you are no longer alive, you can no longer feel the pain. but what of your friends? won't they be upset? of course, they'll go through a brief period of depression, but their lives will go on, and in time, they will forget. you think it over in your head. yes, suicide, thats the way.
a battle goes on inside your head. as much as you want to end your life, you can't do it. you're scared. what if it goes wrong? how many times will you have to try before it works? are you absoluetly sure you want to do? these questions all buzzing around your head.
the truth is, no you don't want to die. if you did, you wouldn't ask yourself so many STUPID questions. there is osmething, some small thing that is keeping you here. you know you don't want to die. you know it won't fix anything, rather, it will make things worse for those close to you.
never frown, you don't know who's fallen in love with your smile. never take your life, for you don't know who you could be sharing it with.
http://www.greatestjournal.com/users/tw33t/445.html