most of you may not know this: i'm not actually an only child. i don't talk about it often, and most people don't know. i have an older brother. and every time i go back to san jose, i'll visit his grave. i never actually met my older brother-he was thirteen when he passed away from lukemia. i wasn't born till a couple years after that-thats why my parents are so much older than i am-there's a giant generation gap. now i'm not saying this to make you feel sorry for me-that's the last thing i want. but when i say i'm jealous of people who have siblings, i really am. of course its nice to not have people fight over the computer or steal your food, but it sucks because when you're home alone, because its really lonely. i'm only mentioning the fact that i have brother because i feel as if despite the fact that my brother is no longer here, that i've been fortunate enough to find a family of brothers and sisters in my friends. i've been lucky that when i moved from taiwan to walnut that i found people that are really like family to me-i love them to death. and i'm even more lucky that when i went to ucsd, i found family that i love to death. it's like my brother made sure that i wouldn't be alone, that someone would always have my back and watch out for me. & for that, i thank them. you guys know who you are.

lately, i haven't been in the best of moods. i guess you can say i hit an emotional rock bottom. but as joan said, "if you've hit rock bottom, then you know it can only better, neh?" and then it sorta hit me, no matter what happens, it can only get better. i guess i've been so emotionally strained out lately that i've sorta developed a case of "fuck-its." its not that i don't want to care-it's that i don't want to give up my happiness because i'm so worried about other people. i mean, it sounds selfish, but if i want to care for other people, i need to take care of myself. i guess it also has to do with the fact that i've gotten little sleep, got sick (and in process of recovering) and there's just been so much going on. when i woke up this morning, i was just like "i just don't really care anymore. whatever happens, happens." i've learned that my happiness is not worth sacrificing.

thomas took me to the cliffs the other day. it's so refreshing there. it's so calm and peaceful. and the wind there was spectacular. i took clarice the other day-there was really nice wind, the sun was out, and the view was just gorgous. next time any of you guys come down to san diego i'm going to take you there. it's humbling, to sit there. away from all the stress and pressure that you feel at school. to see your self as small compared to the rest of the world, it also reminds you that your problems really aren't as big or as complicated as you think they are. they'll eventually go away, and it'll all be good. i guess that'll be come my happy place from now on. one of these days i want to just get a mat, and flop out there and relax. oh, and its fun to throw rocks off the cliff. :)

whatever happens, i'll pull out of it with a smile.
it sounds cliche, but "you should always have a smile on your face, because you never know who might fall in love with it."
it'll take more than a couple hours, more than a day, but i'll bounce back.
hell, i've already started.
and i won't hold back the smile.

最近...心裡面想了很多有的沒的東西.

謝謝我身邊的好朋友跟我聊天讓我心情好很多.

take me somewhere where the wind roars, where the cool wind hits my face. take me where the wind brushes against my hair and where the soul flies free. cause' baby, its just you and me.
--
i dont really have much to say...just some mindless rambling i guess?
i need to find myself a happy place. i don't mean like a corner or something. somewhere where i can just sprawl out and relax. bathe in the sun a little. without my laptop. enjoy a little time to myself. i feel as if everytime i'm on campus, i have this pressure that stems out of my textbooks and laptop about "deadlines" and "hwk" and "things that need to get done."
i think. i'm getting old. my back really hurt today D: my lower back at least. i'm curious to know if it has smething to do with my bed. i mean, its not THAT bad, but compared to my bed at home, its just not as comfortable. D: before i popped some painkillers, i felt as if i had 10,000 knives stuck into the back. D: it was like sore from i dont know what. i'm pretty sure its not from sitting hunched over my laptop for too long. i've done it for even longer, and in even more horrible positions. D: Q_Q
i should go get myself a nice back massage. yeah. that sounds good. one of these days.
--
i just went through two boxes of cereal in less than one week.
and my room is a disaster again. D:
and i have one more chapter to go through for sociology.



...this is such a pointless post. LOL.

spring cleaning baby!
i'm so proud of myself :) i cleaned my room! :D
before:

i know right, its so messy! D:

after!
i'm not actually completely done, i still need to vacuum and do laundry & stuff. but its all good.

我不是你想像那麼勇敢-梁文音
有時候太堅強 笑容卻填不滿眼眶
越是想要隱藏 歌聲就唱的更響亮
直到入到心底最深處 OH~
你不要追問我 還缺了些什麼

每個人都有夢 幸福總站在最遠方
心中越是渴望 越是不敢伸手擁抱
誰的心是我最後一站 OH~
我強問我自己 現在還沒有個答案

我不是你想像那麼勇敢
多想讓你保護能流淚一場
讓我放下武裝 像個孩子一樣
單純的把愛情放在你心上

每個人都有夢 幸福總站在最遠方
心中越是渴望 越是不敢伸手擁抱
誰的心是我最後一站 OH~
我強問我自己 現在還沒有個答案

我不是你想像那麼勇敢
多想讓你保護能流淚一場
讓我放下武裝 像個孩子一樣
單純的把愛情放在你心上

OH~
我不是你想像總是扮演堅強
多想讓你知道我也要個伴
放下討厭武裝 像個孩子一樣
單純的把愛情放在你心上

我不是你想像的那麼勇敢
---
what is love? to love someone is like to receive a glimpse of heaven. wikipedia describes love as any number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection and attachment. i don't know. i feel as if i've lost the ability to love someone. i mean, i still love my friends. but i feel as if i don't know how to actually like someone anymore. i guess, the more you love someone, the more you lose a part of yourself? i guess, it bothers me because i've never felt like this before. i feel as if i am just really apathetic to everything sometimes-something that's really different from the old me. blah, its just really on my mind.
---
i'll be here even if the stars refuse to shine.
Even if romance ran out of rhyme.
You would still have my heart.
Until the end of time.
---
i am everything you want, and everything you don't want. i am a walking contradiction. i am the extremes that don't go together. i am the unusual and extremes put together. "When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games." (Brennan Manning).