happy new years!

當年就知道了
就算沒告訴過你也知道
我們是不可能
都過了好多年了
想說沒看到想到你就會沒事

不過就算這輩子是白過
下輩子還要和你遇到

merry christmas!

wishing everyone a beautiful holiday & a wonderful new year!

FAIL! :D

currently watching a new drama :)
review: (so far. wow, rainie makes the weirdest expressions.)

initial reaction: DAMN. I SWEAR SHE'D CAUSE A TRAFFIC COLLISION.
i give it at 8.5/10. :) it wasn't bad. really cute. and will pan is really cute in his expressions :P. chyeah.

its all good. :)

i dont know about you-but i'm having a wonderful winter break. :) i haven't even been back for a week and i've already had so much fun! :D <3.>

happy birthday my dear joyce <3i don't think i'll ever forget your 20th birthday of your drunken breakdancing, jeff's apparent fail at jagerbombs & other lesbian outragousness ;D

"What is your deepest fear?"
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Coach Carter

it's raining.

am i the only one who wants to run out in the rain, lie on the floor & let the rain fall on me? it just seems like it'll be the most refreshing thing i have done all year.

i think the rain just stopped. there goes my plan of lying in the rain.

i'm done with finals!
:) & back at home in walnut! :D

i came to ucsd...not liking it very much. as with any new environment i guess. after all, i've never been a big fan of moving to new environments. trust me-i would know. i've never really liked new environments. period.
coming to ucsd, i worried that i wouldn't find friends that i could really feel at home with-that i couldn't be myself. i've always been fortunate enough to have a large support group of friends acting as a second family to me. i guess knowing that the security blanket i had wasn't all going to follow me to san diego made me really nervous. i mean, the friends i've made over the years will always and still be my friends-but it's different when you have the physical, actual support.
i've been fortunate to find people here that i really consider a second family. 真的要說謝謝-因為沒有你們的話,我真的不知道我在san diego 會不會開心. 這麼多的回憶-永遠不會忘記的. (你們知道你們是誰.) 真的很謝謝你們讓我在sd過的那麼快樂.

---

今天晚上我跟一些好朋友去了summit吃晚飯.
...john. you really are a failure at secret santa...like. epic fail.
this was probably the worst case scenario of secret santa. EVER.
ROFL. people from lynbrook really dont know how to play secret santa. period.
john: i bought a gift! .... wait, someone got me a gift? what do i do with the gift i bought? should i return it??
真的...不知道該說什麼才好...完全就是很白癡.

hahaha. 不過...winter vacation 又要來了-想到說要過三個禮拜才能看到sd的朋友...有時候會想要winter break過得快一點.
因為不知道該怎麼結束...所以...bye bye. :D

the pros and cons of college.
college, as we all know of it, is a wonderful place to meet friends and make wonderful memories-while trying to finish that one forsaken paper that you put off till the last minute, or studying for finals. on the good side, there is absolutely no parental control. you can go out whenever you want, don't have to report to anyone, and there is no curfew in effect. don't you just love that? there's always something to do-yes ken, even in uc socially dead. i looked back on my weekends and i realized...i was never really in my room on the weekends. i was always busy doing something else...like..being busy. :) like you're never stuck in your room on a friday or saturday night thinking "damn. what am i gonna do now" overall, its just really nice. like you get to meet so many people-shit honestly, sometimes i'll see people and they'll wave to me but i'll be like CRAP I TOTALLY DONT REMEMBER THEIR NAME.
the bad side? you get so far behind in your work. its not intentional-it just happens. that term paper gets pushed to the last day, studying comes in forms of allnighters (which are horribly evil). its finals week right now-i don't think i've ever seen that many people flop into ovt for breakfast while letting out gigantinormous yawns. the bad side is that you are totally on your own and like you tend to fall behind in all your work. shit, at least i do. :( because no one cares you're like on your laptop in class, which somethow turns into facebooking, youtubing, or like sleeping in class.

i love the new jj lin album. the more i listen to it, the more addicted i get to it.



林俊傑 - always online

i think i'll get back to updating my blog more often.

i'm so fucked for finals. but on the bright side, two more weeks before i get to go home and take a three week break from all the hecticness. :)

running to classes. infamous tardy sweeps. tenren apple black tea run. vanille cakes. lying on a mat to eat lunch. hawaii. annoying ap ib tests. kicking lockers to get them open. to sum it all up in two words? high school. looking back, it just seems so far away, even though its only been two months since we walked the stage and graduated. when they say 'oh yeah, we went back to school together in high school' it seems like ages ago. its like we've known each other for decades or something.

summer so far has been...extremely interesting. ahaha. i've learned that i totally fail at smoking, have a nasty habit of staying out really late when i'm not under parent supervision. i like nightmarket food. and i crash the second i find a bed. i love bbqing on taiwan beaches. shopping = <3 style="font-style: italic;">what the hell is a sham? its a pillow. wahts the difference between a sham and a pillow. what is a throw? whats a comforter? and a down comforter? so i decided to like buy me a complete set! um, yeah, i dont need 16 piece sets..or 30 piece sets. and it was all in king or queen sets. ;_; need twin xl sets. sigh. ended up calling dad in for backup. ahahah. worst 2 hours of my life. i feel so. like epic fail. ahaha.

speaking of bed sheets & everything. things to buy for dorm. -_-;
-bed sheets
-power strip
-hangers
-water heater
-storage containers/cabinet things to shove into closet for bras & underwear and stuff because i don't want them on the floor. :)
- over the door hooks/storage things?
-erasable calender/bulletin reminder thing
-school supplies ie. stapler, duct tape (heard that does wonders), pins, paperclips etc
-shoe rack thing (:
-laundry baskets x2
-printer/scanner thing
-cleaning supplies
-full length mirror?
-chopsticks/utensils for my snacking habits.


food to bring to ensure that i don't starve in my dorm room.
- cereal! ie. miniwheats. frosted! :) luck charms. etc etc etc.
-water. :P :D
- black tea! (:
-...food.

to be continued.

getting hurt. it makes you so much stronger. you vow that you're never going to get dragged down into another situation like that. you vow that you'll never let anyone break your heart. you harden your inside so that no matter what happens, you will be okay. you become stone hard on the outside. when things just don't go the right way, you don't show any emotion. people always say, oh you're so strong, i wish i could be like you. and yet, all you do is smile and shatter into pieces on the inside. the more times it happens, the more your guard goes up, the more doubtful you become, and the harder it is for you to open up. you're not willing to take chances because you don't want to break into millions of pieces over some person. i hate you for making me like this.

衝啥大　衝啥小　衝啥都有人唱反調
恨得多　愛得少　只想越跳越瘋
越跳越高　把地球甩掉

一顆心撲通撲通的狂跳
一瞬間煩惱煩惱煩惱全忘掉
我再也不要〔想〕再也不要
委屈自己一秒

一顆心撲通撲通的狂跳
一瞬間煩惱煩惱煩惱全忘掉
我甩掉地球地球甩掉　只要越跳越高

the feeling i have right now is that i'm like too little butter spread over too much bread. i wish there were come way to make carbon copies of myself so that i could be everywhere at every waking moment. may is a very stressful month. starting may 5th are ap testing. not to mention that some genius person decided it was a wonderful, AMAZING, ABSOLUTELY GENIUS idea to put prom before ap testing. i can only hope that you realize that most of the student population in walnut is probably pulling white hair because they somehow have to get everything that must be done for prom done. but anyhow between now and may 5th there are 15 days. i say may 5th because this is where i actually have to start testing. chyeah, i know. prom->a day of work->ap testing. horrible. anyways. so there are 15 days. of those 15 days, i am gone for state for 4 days. that leaves 11 lovely days. of those 11 days, 1 of them is prom and i know for a fact that there is NO WAY IN HELL i will study in a limo or in a car because i have ap testing. i just can't do it. this leaves about 10 days to study. 10 days = 240 hours. now. assuming that i am at school 8 hours a day. there are 7.5 days of school till ap testing. 240-75 = 165 hours left. now, assuming that i sleep at least 6 hours a day (believe it or not, i do sleep more) . 165-(10 days x 6) = 105 hours. of these 105 hours., i'm at work like. 20 hours a week. so approximately 30 hours are taken off of my study time. leaving me 75 hours, which pretty much becomes 3 days. i dont know about you but my ap gov book has been sitting on my desk, open for the last 3 weeks. and i'm still. NOWHERE. talk about the ultimate destruction of my ap grade. fuckkk.

edit/ 11:25pm.
did mention that i need to find myself a prom dress/get nails done? so much for time to study. -_-
& that sometime between now and state i need to start/finish studying for my competition?
T_T;

how do you pick up the pieces, when in your heart, you begin to realize; there is no going back. there are some hurts that go too deep, some wounds that cannot be healed. you begin to understand, that no one will ever understand. they will walk blind, deaf, ignorant to all that happens right in front of them. they see you cry, & assume that you need a hug, when all you really need is to be alone. they will see you smile, and think "Good, you're happy," when on the inside you're hurting, crying, you are dead.
will they ever know the real you died years ago? will they ever realize your smile is not sincere? you wish they would understand, wish they could know what you are going through, while at the same time, you wish they never have to expiernce this kinda of pain. you are confused, angry, depressed & you don't nkow why. you don't seewhy this has to happen to you, why it can't it happen to someone rude, obnoxious, someone who takes everything for granted.
you start to realize that you don't care anymore. your friends, family, they don't matter. nothing matters becasue it all seems so dull, so lifelss, or too cheery, too inviting for you to fit in. you are trapped. by the walls of your own mind, you are trapped. you begin to lose slee, you stop eating, or eat too much. you lose track of what day it is. but it doesn't matter anymore. too fat or too skinny, and suffering from insomnia. it doesn't matter anymore.
the pain grows too much. you want to talk about it, get everything off your chest, but are too afraid of what might happen if they know your secrets. you get restless. your mind is racing. thinking of things passed, and things that may come. you begin to fear the future. this is followed by another, more chilling though: what future? you tell yourself, you have nothing, you will always be nothing. your dreams, your goals, there will never happen. you will never be as good as you want to be, or as good as others expect you to be. you start thinking there is nothing for you in the future. you ask yourself: whats the ponit? you find osmething shart & begin cutting yourself open. you slowly watch the crimson ribbons flow. a thought plays in your head: this is beautiful. again & again you slice yourself open & watch the blood ooze from the wounds. moments later you feel the pain, the stinging. and yet, as much as this hurts, the mental pain seems dim. new found relief.
yet again you fake a smile, pretend to be happy. but when the pain gets too much, you cut yourself again. you watch yourself bleed, thinking yet again, about the beauty of this pain. and so you go on, as if nothing is wrong, as if you've never felt alone, as if you're never felt scared. your temporary relief, relieves no longer. your friends notice the scares, question you all about it, call you an attention seeker. you wonder if they care at all. if they do care, why are they being so horrible? maybe its one of those, 'cruel to be kind' moments? but considering your situation, you go with your first thought: they don't care about me. this is entirely false. your friends care, very much. they are just so shocked, so disappointed, that, instead of talking to them about your problems, you decide to mutilate yourself.
you are now more stressed, more depressed, more angry. all you can think about is ending the pain. how can you do that? suicide seems a good way. if you are no longer alive, you can no longer feel the pain. but what of your friends? won't they be upset? of course, they'll go through a brief period of depression, but their lives will go on, and in time, they will forget. you think it over in your head. yes, suicide, thats the way.
a battle goes on inside your head. as much as you want to end your life, you can't do it. you're scared. what if it goes wrong? how many times will you have to try before it works? are you absoluetly sure you want to do? these questions all buzzing around your head.
the truth is, no you don't want to die. if you did, you wouldn't ask yourself so many STUPID questions. there is osmething, some small thing that is keeping you here. you know you don't want to die. you know it won't fix anything, rather, it will make things worse for those close to you.
never frown, you don't know who's fallen in love with your smile. never take your life, for you don't know who you could be sharing it with.
http://www.greatestjournal.com/users/tw33t/445.html

so i have officially decided that i will be attending ucsd in the fall. i know not where it will take me, who i will meet, what i will do-but it will be my future for the coming months. it hurts that i will no longer be physically close to some of my dearest friends, although our hearts will be closer than ever-no physical distance can separate us. looking back, i see how much we've grown. looking back at those incredibly long gtalk chats, where we probably should have gone to sleep instead of whoring away at facebook. in an effort to not sound so emo-featuring some of ken's famous quotes. :)
Kenneth
yeah my mom - " whyyyyy why is the world so cruel to me, i can never go like HA! my son is smater than yours cause 4.0gpa/perfect sat score or whatever, all i can say these days is, well... my dog knows how to open doors, better than your dog!"

"you know, you chug all these drinks like water. ya know, those are expensive.. you know what you should do? drink the beer. beer is cheap. and after a bottle of two, youll be too drunk to drink anymore. see? that makes you cheaper to maintain" - ken's mom.